Monthly Archives: April 2017

5 Reasons Riding a Bike Is The Most Humiliating Exercise

VintagePeloton-e1448443351363One of my favorite articles to share with “newby’s” because it will make you laugh until you cry…

By Christina H.

A lot of people don’t find bike riding very impressive as a sport, because how hard can it be? Little kids learn how to ride bikes before they learn how to tie their shoes (which is a little dangerous if you think about it).

Well, I started riding to get in shape recently and learned that there’s a big difference between bike riding and serious bike riding. Doing all the things “right” according to the pros seems at times like a terrible initiation prank designed to kill or embarrass new riders. I can only conclude that there are a limited number of slots in the Real Bicyclists Club and they are dedicated to keeping applicants out by making them deal with things like this…

5
You Can Kill Yourself Just Getting On (if You Do it Right)

Sit on your bike seat. Can you put one foot down on the ground? YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. That’s what they told me anyway.

Common sense tells you that when you come to a stop on your bike, you want to be able to quickly put a foot down so you don’t, you know, fall over.

But apparently that’s crazy talk. You’re actually supposed to be able to fully extend your leg when the pedal is all the way down, to get full use of your leg muscles, because pedaling with your knees always bent is like duck-walking a footrace — you’re not fully using your muscles, and the other racers will laugh heartily at you.

And if you get on the normal way, swinging your leg over the seat with the bike tilted toward you, and then lean upright to get underway, well, a road bike in particular is liable to turn as you get on, because it’s sensitive, and you steer by leaning left and right. So you can find yourself turning into traffic, or maybe the curb, which never turns out well.

So how are you supposed to get off and on? Well, you’re supposed to straddle the crossbar, then put one foot on one of the pedals, and push the bike forward, picking up your other foot, like you’re on a scooter. You’re supposed to go from ground to scooter position to sitting on the seat, to get on, and the opposite to get off, which is easy to do with a bit of practice, but who the hell is going to remember an orderly series of steps 1-2-3 when you’re about to ride into an obstacle and you hit the brakes?

Not me! I prefer an unexpected crotch full of crossbar apparently.
4
Your Feet are Stuck to the Bike

What if people are too wily to fall off their bikes just because you raised their seats? Well, the cycling community has just the thing to deal with them, toe clips. Clips that hold your feet to the pedals, whether you like it or not.

“What if the rider can’t get their foot off in time because it’s actually fastened to the pedal with something that looks like an S&M torture device?” one of the Real Bicyclist Club members no doubt proposed one day, to resounding applause. And so toe clips were born.

Most serious bicyclists wouldn’t dream of using toe clips, however, and have special clipless pedals that lock onto special cleats on special bike shoes.

They’ll talk like toe clips and cleats are completely different things even though it’s quite obvious to a terrified clumsy person like me that they both attach your feet to the freakin’ pedals.

Of course they’ve come up with an excuse for this, which is efficiency. With a regular bike pedal, you only push down. Strapping your feet in with those deathtraps allows you to also pull the pedals up, giving you extra power, at the cost of immortality. If you’re riding in a group and everyone else has them, you’re liable to get left behind.

I personally don’t care, I’m not attaching my feet to anything. I’ll go lift some freakin’ weights and get 50% stronger than everyone else if that’s what I have to do to keep up. A week doesn’t go by where I don’t hear someone’s horror story about being clipped in and falling over their handlebars and breaking their ankle or seeing their shinbone or something equally charming.

Bonus: The bike shoes you have to wear to attach the cleats often have solid pieces of plastic or carbon fiber as soles, so if you enjoy ice skating across a dry parking lot, you will enjoy these.
3
Embarrassing Ass Products

Anyone who’s ever been on a bike more than five minutes (after puberty) knows that biking makes your ass hurt.

Fortunately they’ve invented entire lines of products to deal with that. Unfortunately these products are somewhat humiliating. The first thing every bicyclist needs is padded bike shorts, with more and more specialized crotch padding over the years:

I’m not the only one who has the vague feeling I’m looking at something obscene here, right? Oh, and you go commando. That disturbingly shaped pad goes right up against your special parts.

All the padding in the world doesn’t do anything about the fact that some of your parts just need space. Nothing can be done for your balls, if you have them, but there are apparently many veins and tubes and nerves both men and women have down there that are very bad to squish.

So to fix that, you can ride on a stupid looking seat with a hole in the middle:

If that’s still not enough (and it won’t be), you’ll need chamois butter (which is a delicate term for “ass cream.”)

They come with oddly appropriate brand names like “Chamois Butt’r,” “Assos” (a general cycling supplier whose name happens to fit this one product surprisingly well), “Udderly SMOOth” and “Bag Balm” brands of ass cream that anyone would be proud to ring up at the counter.

So yeah, if the certainty of falling off your bike doesn’t scare you, junior, why don’t you just lube up your ass, put on some disturbing-looking shorts, and hop up on that donut seat. You see what I mean? They are totally just waiting to see when you will catch on.

2
Impotence

If you’re a man, it gets worse. Not only does the seat feel like it’s destroying your balls, it might actually be destroying your balls. Heavy-duty riding over a long period of time compresses your perineum — also known as the “taint” or “gooch” for people who like to giggle while talking about serious medical problems.

That compresses a vital channel inside your chode, a channel which is actually known to actual doctors as Alcock’s canal. That canal houses a nerve and an artery that allows you to both get boners and put them to use. If you constantly pinch it by riding the Tour de France or something, then you will pitch no more tents.

Researchers estimate this affects 5% of male cyclists who will admit it, plus a larger percentage of male cyclists who are too embarrassed to admit they’ve neutered themselves.

Bike seats exist that are easier on your grundle, and suppliers are constantly inventing more taint-friendly seats, but very few seats are completely innocent of attempting to gradually castrate their riders.

And what about something that both genders are interested in, for different reasons – lady parts? Well, just like with men, biking too much can lead to numbness in a lady’s special area which is certainly not a good thing, but doesn’t seem to cause actual sexual dysfunction. So there’s that.
1
The Clothes Are Designed to Make You Look Stupid

Biking clothes on anybody are like shaved heads on women. If you are really good looking to begin with (Natalie Portman) then you still look good, but not as good as you did before.

If you are not super hot to begin with, you will look like a douche.
If you look at any rack of biking jerseys, it looks like a clown wardrobe. There are a couple of reasons for the bright colors cars almost never look for bicyclists on purpose, so you have to stand out like a sore thumb to be safe.

I’m not sure what the pros’ excuse is, they close the roads off for them.

The other reason for the colors is that due to practical design, all the clothes look pretty much the same they need to be tight to minimize wind resistance and not get caught in things so the only way to stand out as an individual is with offensive color combinations.

As terrified as I am about safety, I still wear a black jersey. If I die, at least I’ll die fashionable and dignified.

Tacky tops aside, bike shorts are terrible in their own way. If you invented a piece of clothing to humiliate people, you could hardly do better. Normal-looking women suddenly look like they have giant T-rex hips, and men get to show everyone their package (before wrecking it on their seat).

Well now that I’ve gone to all the trouble to show that this is clearly some kind of terrible hazing ritual, why on earth am I still biking? After all, I’m a lifelong couch potato and I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of fire, knives, heights, going fast, jellyfish, Taiwanese home cooking, you name it.

I’m still going to avoid most of those things but you can’t spend your life avoiding everything you’re afraid of. I like going outside, getting in shape, seeing beautiful scenery, and if I’m going to let the thought of falling off the bike and being dragged down an asphalt road at 40 miles per hour stop me from enjoying the things I- oh man. I feel kind of faint, I think I need to go lie down.

Actually, one of the reasons I’m riding is to raise money to fight cancer.

 

a-sport-divided

 

 

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Good Friday Is Also Known As Holy Friday

Good Friday is also known as Holy Friday:
My name is Lisa Christiansen, I am second and I am honoring Christ Jesus by fasting from solid foods beginning today, April 14, 2017 through May 1, 2017. I will be going to the Easter Pageant at the Holy City of the Wichitas.
 
Many Christians around the world observe Good Friday on the Friday before Easter Sunday. It commemorates Jesus Christ’s Passion, crucifixion and death, which is told in the Christian bible. It is the day after Maundy Thursday.
 
What Do People Do?
Many people in different countries celebrate the anniversary of Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and death on the Friday before Easter Sunday. This is an observance that involves people fasting and praying. Many church services are held in the afternoon, usually around noon or midday to 3pm, to remember the hours when Jesus hung on the cross. Many churches also observe the day by re-enacting the procession of the cross as in the ritual of the Stations of the Cross, which depicts the final hours of Jesus’ life. Processions are held in many countries such as India, Italy, Malta, the Philippines, and Spain.
 
Kites that are often handmade are flown in Bermuda on Good Friday to symbolize the cross that Jesus died on, as well as his ascension into heaven. This custom dates back to the 19th century. Churches in countries, such as Belgium and Mexico, are draped in black on Good Friday in memory of Jesus’ suffering on the cross. The day is solemn and a general air of sadness is felt in many towns and villages. Many Christians in Poland fast on dry bread and roasted potatoes. Egg decorating is also part of the Easter preparations in Poland and many other countries.
 
Good Friday is not a federal holiday in countries such as the United States, although it is a state holiday in some states, including Hawaii. Some people have a day off work on Good Friday in the Netherlands, while others work.
 
Background
There are many theories as to why the day that remembers Jesus’ death on the cross is known as Good Friday. One school of thought is that Good Friday stems from the words “God’s Friday”, while others interpret “good” in the sense of “observed as holy”. Many Orthodox Christians call the day Great Friday. The day is also known as Black Friday or Sorrowful Friday, as well as Long Friday.
The Good Friday date is one of the oldest Christian holidays, with some sources saying that it has been observed since 100 CE. It was associated with fasting during the early years of its observance and was associated with the crucifixion around the fourth century CE. The Easter date depends on the ecclesiastical approximation of the March equinox.
 
Symbols
Good Friday is celebrated in memory of Christ’s Passion, crucifixion and death. The most important Good Friday symbol is the crucifix, or cross, which represents the way in which Jesus died. Some crosses bear a figure of Christ. Other symbols of Good Friday include black cloth used to cover the cross, paintings and statues in churches and some homes to signify mourning. In addition, some people deliberately create a bare appearance in their homes and churches by removing all flowers and shiny objects.
good friday
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